Moving On!

Cheers to new beginnings and leaving the past behind me!

I'm on my way, I have left my job and moved onto another gig. I'm happily awaiting Monday morning. It's gonna be fast paced and exciting.

I'm still experiencing some growing pains, just gonna push through it and hope for the best. I've never been one to give up anyway. I'm not genetically coded to quit on myself.

I will hopefuly have very exciting news in the near future for all inquiring minds. Just hang in there!

Still Got My Groove On!

(pic by Derrick McCall)

I know I've been down lately but it's just the job issues, my dad's health and my pointless diet. The job I'm just going have to do, come in early, leave on time, and deal with the peeps in this joint. What can I do? I flush 5 times. I keep to myself. I'm in fear of being censored because when the last hire resigned, she told HR that she didn't like the treatment the department received and since I am one of two remaining in the dept. I was dragged to the interrogation room for a little censorship talk. I'm resigned to it. What can you do? Keeping my head down low and staying out of trouble. I know the employment market is tough and I only need one job so I guess I'll hold on to the rope for a while and fantasize about pristine beaches, while stuck in a storm in the sea.

My dad, who I love dearly, has managed to get me worried sick. He's been a little crazy lately. He forgets important things like his medication. Sometimes he hurts himself and can't feel it. The Docs attribute that to poor circulation. Well, he is independent and doesn't want my help, so I can only do so much. My parents may be the most stubborn people on earth I must get it from them. Well my dad's fifty something b-day is coming up already bought the gift and planned his Valentine surprise. I hope he likes it.

This diet is kicking my ass. I'm eating nothing. I'm low cal, no carb, and so miserable. I start of the day with some oatmeal, add a couple of walnuts and yes some real white processed sugar. I hate the fake stuff. After my oatmeal I try to avoid eating anything heavy until dinner and then I have protein and veggies. Last night was a strip steak with broccoli and I skipped lunch so I can splurge for dinner. Painful, I know I want to lose 15 pounds but how long can I keep this up. I've only lost 2 lbs since I started. OK only been doing this seriously for a week but still that is a long time for me. I love food. I am passionate about just about all cuisines. Is this what my thirties will have to offer--years of restraint, diet obsession. It almost feels like sex is the only indulgence I'm allowed. I shouldn't complain but if I had to chose losing 15lbs and booty, I would go with the booty everytime so I'm glad I can keep that one little indulgence.

Regardless of all my trials and tribulations, I managing to keep it together. I still feel pretty good and have my mighty Viking chasing me around. I haven't lost hope that I'll find a better gig. I just hope it happens sooner better than later. I am trying to be patient--it's so hard!

Tyger Tyger

This my favorite poem. I loved it the 1st time I heard it at 10 years old as much as I love it now.

Tyger Tyger burning bright,
In the forests of the night;
What immortal hand or eye,
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?

In what distant deeps or skies,
Burnt the fire of thine eyes?
On what wings dare he aspire?
What the hand dare sieze the fire?

And what shoulder & what art,
Could twist the sinews of thy heart?
And when thy heart began to beat,
What dread hand?& what dread feet?

What the hammer? What the chain?
In what furnace was thy brain?
What the anvil? What dread grasp
Dare its deadly terrors clasp!

When the stars threw down their spears
And water’d heaven with their tears:
Did he smile his work to see?
Did he who made the lamb make thee?

Tyger Tyger burning bright,
In the forests of the night:
What immortal hand or eye,
Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?

---William Blake--

It's timeless!

Faith

For the last month or so I have been dragging myself out of bed on Sunday morning to attend church. This is huge for me because I haven't done that since I was a child. I'm looking for that peace and clarity I once had.

I am overall happy with life as it is but there is this piece of me that is missing. I need to believe there is more because if this is it I may have to shrivel up. There has to be hope for more and a chance to make the world better.

I do the usual polite/kind things on the daily like hold the door for others and say thank you. I can't remember the last time I really helped anyone or change someone's life. I want it all --I want to be able to help people, love my work, live well, and take care of my family.

My greatest flaw would have to be my impatience I want everything to happen now and yesterday. I constantly move forward and circle around never stopping like a shark in the ocean. I know there are better ways to live but when you have a family to support you are always thinking 5 steps ahead and pushing on.

I guess I'll devote my meditation and prayers to slowing the roll and taking it all in but when it comes to work I'm still going to have to push forward. As soon as things settle I'll release the reins again.

Neutrality: The Realities of Nightmares

One of my favorite posts

Neutrality: The Realities of Nightmares

Old friends & New friends

As I left work chatting up San Genero Guy on my celly, he managed to convince me to go to this OMD party. Mind you before getting him I chatted with his wife for 10 minutes, trying to weasel his contact information. San Genero Guy and I used to be co-workers and we are tight. I like him a lot. I actually only keep very few people near me in life and he is one of them.

He's really strong has survived much and still manages to smile. His wife is amazing. She holds every thing together and provides a stable base. Since I am partial to him already it only took a little arm twisting. So I got there early and waited for him. I ordered a pint of Blue Moon, found a stool sat at the bar, trying to look casually comfy and aloof, not interested in being picked up and OK with drinking alone. I did that fot 45 minutes realized he was late and then decided to go outside and call him because I couldn't hear a thing in that bar.

And then it happened, the Elvis look a like stepped to me. Wasn't too pushy said something about the guy I'm waiting for is lucky and asked if he could keep me company. If I was single I would encourage him but there is that fine line between attraction and appropriate behavior. My boyfriend tells me men will only talk to women they find attractive so even saying hello is encouraging. Damn does that mean I flirted by mistake for 28 years before realizing it. I want to believe sometimes people just talk to talk. Can't just put myself in a bubble. I'll miss out on life. So I thanked him and said I was waiting for my buddy, who strolled in at that minute--perfect timing.

He brought along Aisha, his new side kick-- I was her 3 years ago. I liked her. She is really smart and funny and drinks Blue Moon also. I suggested a couple more premium Belgian Beers and chatted her up and then we started working the room. I have to admit my socializing skills were not at peak. I didn't feel like chatting up complete strangers last night. So I shook hands made a mental note to remember the bodies that go with the names and planned my excape.

And yes it happened again, I bumped into a guy I worked with 5 years ago--randomly. I always liked KJ-he has a good heart and is really smart. He reminds me of my boyfriend who I adore. We did the corporate america thing exchanged business cards, some superficial talk and parted ways. I think I will shoot him an email and have lunch with him if he wants. I am genuinely curious about him. Last time we hung out it was at a french bistro. He loves that stuff. You never know what you can learn from people. He is in ad sales now and still living in brooklyn. I wonder if he has read anything good lately and if he finished that novel he was writing. So many questions. This one is worth the time.

Tonight I may have to make an appearance at this Conde Net thing, my friend there may get tired of inviting my lazy bottom. Don't really want to go. Dieting and consuming mass quantities of beer do not really mix. I feel terrible the following morning AKA right now. I guess I have to take this one for my career and go and network. Go figure! I may actually enjoy it. Who knows!

Ode to the Handbag

I have searched long and hard for the right handbag. The one that says I can be worn with anything and I will not fall apart. The complete companion to stand by my side through my days toil.

At last the heavens have parted and provided my companion. It's just what I was looking for class and sophistication at the right price. My heart actually skipped a beat. Even on sale I have to admit it was more expensive than any bag I've ever owned but at last I have found my daily companion.

There is still good in the world.